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For almost all of us, we are the result of our past learning and conditioning. We establish new neural pathways when we learn new things. It does not matter if we learned it subconsciously or consciously new pathways are created regardless. When these pathways gets used very often, it becomes strengthened and thus become second nature, or reactionary in our behaviors; in other words, it becomes part of our personality. These behaviors become a problem when they are unhealthy, or undesirable, behaviors. Sometimes, even seemingly benign behaviors can be a problem. Take for example, eating to feel good (ie. emotional eating), at first glance its only eating, its OK. Long term emotional eating may lead to obesity which carries with it a whole bunch of other health problems. And this is just ONE of the examples. Other examples could be your personal view of money, narcissistic tendencies, anger management issues, etc. None will be much more common than our “fear of failure.”
Almost any issues that you can come up with, if you dig deep enough into the root cause, I can almost guarantee you that it comes from the feeling of not being loved. For example, the “fear of failure” comes from if I failed at the task in question, I will feel bad because it is an undesirable outcome. It is undesirable because many bad and undesirable things will happen which would cause me to feel like I am not being loved. Where/when did you think you/I got the idea that when undesirable things happen to me, you/I feel that I am not being loved ? It is from the conditioning we got as a little child, when parents/caregivers will interact with you in a positive way when they experience a desirable outcome from you. And when you did not produce any desirable outcome by their standards, they will interact with you in a less than desirable way by your standards. Our parents/caregivers did not give us what we want/need (in this instance), therefore they don’t love us, so we cried because we are not feeling loved. We will cry and cry until our parents/caregivers will do everything in their power to get us to stop crying. Hence we learn, that crying can get us the love that we crave for. Thus, the cycle repeats.
Such experiences are very common as a young child. It constitutes what I would call a mini trauma, almost like PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). People who suffer from PTSD usually try to avoid situations where their symptoms will be triggered. However, sometimes the symptoms will still trigger no matter how hard they try to avoid the trigger situations. While the example given above may not be what the term PTSD would be used to describe, in essence it is very similar. Some research literature has already stated before that when you repress emotions, they will only come back stronger later (I am sorry I cannot point to the source at this time because I no longer have access to the likes of search engines like PscyhInfo. If you do please feel free to look for it). Freud knew that before any such research studies came about. Some spiritual teachers has already said before that “what you resist persist.” And furthermore, Ferenczi’s Trauma Theory explained trauma as “a fixation of the innervations predominating at the moment of the concussion (of the shock). The innervations dominant at the moment of trauma become permanently retained as morbid symptoms and indicate that undischarged parts of the affective impulses are still active in the unconscious”. In other words, if you look at emotions/feelings as a form of energy, its repression will cause them to continue to run and gather momentum in the background. That is how some people get this volcanic eruption of anger when they get triggered.
The obvious remedy is to unlock that energy and allow it to work its way out. In order to do that, you have to be willing to face it first, and allow yourself to sit with that energy until it has worked its way out of your system. I offer here a method that may help. You may try it out on your own. This method was created out of the marriage of a few sources. The first is from Redecision Therapy, created by the late Mary Goulding and her husband. The second source is from Healing your emotional body by Teal Swan, she is a clairvoyant and a healer of sorts. The other sources come from my personal experiences and personal readings into research literature over the course of a few years (while working on my Masters). I have personally experienced the method on numerous occasions with great effects. If you do decide to try it out, I hope and wish with all my heart that it will help you experience some form of release.
Method of making peace with your past to heal your present self.
(Note: This session may last anywhere from 20 minutes to a couple of hours, or more, so make sure you give yourself enough time to do this.)
- Find that point in time in your past where you felt the same way you did, when in a trigger situation where you undesired behavior happened. For example, if you get angry when Johnny (or anyone else) ignores you. Relax and clear your mind for a few minutes first before you start the session. Hold on to that feeling in the trigger situation, ask yourself when did a similar feeling happened when you were just a child. (Note: it is very important that you do not censure yourself. Trust you body and your mind that it will bring forth what you need to release. The first image that you see, or the first feelings that you get, is usually the correct one. Then work off the image/feeling you get, slowly to piece the whole story together.)
- Close your eyes, go through that situation again like you were watching a movie; only this time you can interact with the movie. Watch for that point when the child had that similar feeling that you had. Know the whole story first before doing anything.
- First and foremost, is to forgive yourself for feeling the way you did. Understand that what every decision/s that you have made at that time was the best you could have done given the information that you had at that time.
- Pause the movie, then enter it. Talk to the child and convince him to follow you out to a familiar but safe place (it is your imagination and it is within your control, it must be a place where both of you will feel comfortable being at.). Converse with the child with utmost respect, ask him for permission to sit with him (if you feel that it would make him feel more comfortable). Talk to the child, treat him like your little brother/sister. The most important thing here is to let him know that it is OK to feel the way he/she feels (validate his/her feeling). With the wisdom you have now you can try to explain to him/her why it happened, but help him/her understand the greater good that came out of it [Bear in mind that all things happened for a reason to help you to become a better person. Find the positive outcome (in the future or in the past, it does not matter) in that negative situation, so that you may explain it to your younger self.]
- Stay with the child, keep him/her company, in whatever way that you feel is the most comfortable way (be it just sitting in front of him/her and watching him/her, or sitting with him side by side and holding his hand, etc; whichever you and him/her feels most comfortable with). Remember that whatever you feel that is most comfortable for you at that time is what he/she will feel most comfortable with, because he/she is really the younger YOU.
- Tell him/her the following :
“I am sorry for the way you are feeling right now. Please forgive me … I love you and thank you very much.”
You have to say it a few times, be sincerely and honest when saying it. If you feel yourself tearing up, you did it right. Let it happen, give yourself permission to cry it out. But that does not mean that you will tear up in all cases, just some; but in all cases you should feel something stir inside you. Crying is a sign of catharsis, it is a release, it is a very good thing. When you do start crying here, let yourself complete the crying session, explore the reasons for the tears and reflect on it. Then, go back to the scene.
(Due to some formatting issues, the numbering sequence needed to be reset)
- Stay with the child and go with the flow of the scene as it happens. The child might suddenly want to play, then play with him/her. If the child wants to go for a walk, then go have a walk with him. Stay with him for as long as it is necessary, until he says that he has to go now (or something along those lines). Whatever happens, just go with the flow and be spontaneous.
- After the child has gone, return to the scene where you paused the movie. If you have anything else you would like to say to any of the other actor/s, go to him/her one at a time and whisper it into their ear. Be aware that you are older and wiser now, speak to him/her with your present wisdom with the intent to make peace with the situation at that time. And most of all remember to tell him/her that “I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you, and thank you very much” and say it all as sincerely as you can.
- Once you are done with all that, it is your turn to decide what you would do now if a similar situation arise (as your younger self, with your present wisdom). How would you do it differently now, given the wisdom you have now? Then imagine yourself doing it, seeing the effects of your decision through to its fruition with the new outcome (play the scene out as the younger you).
- Once you are done with that, return to the present and turn off the movie. Now, restate the decision you have made before you open your eyes. Take a few moments now to take in what you are feeling and all that has happened. If you are still crying at this point, let it carry on, stop only when you feel like stopping. The session ends only when you feel you are good enough to end it.
Thank you and I hope that you will be healed!